


(Even when I mess it up) There you are

by LouiseLouise



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunken Confessions, Eddie gets drunk though it's not depicted, It makes him do stupid things, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22718506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseLouise/pseuds/LouiseLouise
Summary: When Buck and Eddie eavesdrop on May and Hen's conversation about love and how to deal when you have a crush on your best friend, things quickly get awkward between them. Eddie makes a few stupid choices that could either end up their friendship, or lead up to something else entirely.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 25
Kudos: 286





	(Even when I mess it up) There you are

**Author's Note:**

> I started to write this for [Buddietines Week](https://buddietinesweek.tumblr.com/post/190242714173/buddietines-week-prompts) Day 1 prompt: Secret Admirer, but it quickly turned into a Day 5: Valentine's Day gone wrong story, and I decided to just go with it. If you have questions about the alcohol part of the story, feel free to ask.
> 
> Beta by the wonderful [Jecari](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari) and [ToughPaperRound](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound), thank you so much both of you. All remaining mistakes are mine, and English still isn't my first language.

Buck reaches the upstairs lounge and sees May sitting next to Hen on one of the couches.

“Hey May, what are you doing here with us today?” Buck asks, smiling. The station always feels a little more welcoming when any of the family members from the team comes to visit, but May is amongst his favourites, though he’d never admit that.

“Bobby took Harry and me ice skating again,” she says smiling back. “We’re just waiting for mom to come pick us up before you guys start working.”

“Harry’s downstairs with Chim talking about crows, for some reason,” Hen adds with an amused look. “So we’re talking about girl stuff here.”

“Oh I wouldn’t want to interrupt then,” Buck grins, moving towards the kitchen to start preparing lunch and be ready when Bobby joins them.

He’s not really paying attention to their conversation at first, he really doesn't mean to intrude but he’s only cutting carrots so his mind doesn’t need much focus for his hands to work, and at some point he starts listening. He hears the words Valentine’s Day and it seems like May is asking Hen for relationship advice. Maybe he could use some of Hen’s wisdom by proxy, since he’s too chicken shit to go ask her himself.

“I don’t know if I should tell her, Hen, what if she laughs in my face? I’m gonna look ridiculous in front of everyone if I’m not the secret admirer she expects.”

“But how are you gonna know if you don’t ask, hon’? Sometimes you just need to trust the universe and take a risk, that’s how life works.”

“What if she doesn’t like me back, and then she doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore?” May asks. Buck knows the question is for Hen but now he’s just fully eavesdropping. His mind instantly goes to Eddie and how Buck’s heartbeat speeds up everytime he pictures himself dragging his friend into a kiss, pulling him closer with a firm hand on his hip and finally being able to taste the man’s lips with his. 

Buck almost cuts his finger, too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention to the knife in his hand. He shakes off the daydreaming, turning back to the current conversation next to him.

“But what if she does?” Hen asks May.

“I don't know, it sounds like a big risk, Hen.”

“Yeah Hen, what if it ruins their friendship?” Buck finally stops holding back the question that’s burning his lips. Hen shoots him an annoyed look because he’s clearly interrupting something important and private. 

“Whose friendship is getting ruined?” Eddie asks, coming up the stairs only to receive a similar annoyed look from Hen.

“Me and Talia,” May sighs, visibly too scared to believe in Hen’s confidence, relieved to have other people doubt with her. “I like her a lot but, what if she doesn’t like me back?”

“Don’t listen to Buck, you do not wanna follow this man’s advice on relationships, trust me.” Hen chuckles but the look of hurt on Buck’s face stops her. 

He knows he doesn’t have the best track record so far, and he’s very aware that his current love life is made of daydreaming and night sweating thinking about his best friend but still, he’s not the punk kid they all still see in him. But as offended as he is, the questions this conversation are raising keep bubbling in his head. “So if I was the one asking you’d give me the same advice?”

“I’m not sure why you’d ask but yes Buck, because you can’t spend your life wondering, at some point you need to know, so you can either be with that person or move on.”

“Even if it can mess everything up, between you and them?”

“Yes, because what’s the worst that could happen? Being rejected? That wound will heal and at least you know, and you can be proud of yourself for daring to ask.”

Buck pauses to think. Maybe this is the opportunity to have real answers without actually risking anything? He clears his throat. “What if it’s someone I work with? That I see everyday. Things could get awkward.” There’s a little defiance in his tone, like he’s sure Hen won’t have anything to reply to that, but it only hides the absolute terror in his chest of getting an answer.

“That could be sexual harassment,” Eddie’s sudden and down to earth input takes everyone by surprise. 

“Okay, but what if I’m absolutely sure that I love them and we could have a future together? Should I give that up?”

“What are you talking about here Buckaroo? Is there someone else here that you--” Hen frowns, trailing on and letting her thought unspoken.

Buck shrugs. “It’s hypothetical.” It’s the least hypothetical thing Buck’s ever said, and he’s trying hard to ignore the fact that the man his question is about is standing five feet away from him. “Let’s say-- okay what if I’m in love with Eddie and I’m not sure how he feels, do I take that risk? Do I trust the universe then?”

May frowns. “Yeah but you two are like the worst example since you’re already together,” she says, and Hen hums in agreement.

Buck and Eddie both look at them in confusion, then at each other. What? 

“What?” Hen asks, not understanding why they both suddenly look livid.

“We’re not… together?” Eddie manages to say despite the tightness clenching his throat.

Now it’s Hen and May’s turn to look confused, but Bobby comes up the stairs before anyone can add to the conversation. 

“Your mom’s gonna be here in a second, you ready?” he asks, voice trailing down when May just ignores him as she stares between Buck and Eddie. “What’s wrong?”

She points at them and whispers. “They’re not together.”

Bobby furrows his brow, joining the general confusion. “Really? But... Oh.”

“Well we’re not,” Eddie says, his tone harsh and cold, more than necessary.

Bobby smiles. “We just all thought you’d tell us when you’re ready. It’s not like it changes anything anyway, except for a few HR forms to sign, you know.”

“We’re sorry we assumed wrong,” Hen says, trying to deflate the tension, and the others nod in unison.

Buck regrets bringing up the idea of him being interest in Eddie more than he ever regretted anything. He's imagined them together so many times that he can’t help but wonder if he ever let anything show. Maybe he behaved too much like he dreamed of, giving the team some reasons to make assumptions. He can see from the corner of his eye that Eddie’s more upset than confused now.

“Like that would even be a possibility, come on guys?” Buck snorts, reverting back to his comfort zone of pretending he’s not in love with his best friend. “Maybe watch less Hallmark romcom in the future?” 

He forces a soft smile back on his face but it fades when he sees Eddie rushing down the stairs without a word. Buck has a second of hesitation but Bobby comes to grab the knife, letting him go after the man who visibly needs him more than the carrots.

Buck makes his way towards the back of the station where the personal vehicles are parked and finds Eddie standing alone in the fresh air.

“I’m sorry they thought--” Eddie can’t finish that sentence, counting on Buck to fill in the blanks. His hands are balled up in fists and he feels like his head is about to implode. _Like that would even be a possibility_. The unprompted rejection feels like a knife pushed into his heart.

“It’s okay, it took me by surprise too. It’s not really the first time people have assumed we’re a couple, though. But you never reacted like that.”

_You always played along before_ , Eddie wants to say.

“Because strangers don’t know us, they just see two adults and a kid and they try to show how open-minded they are. But our friends, our team, they know us. They should know better than to assume--” Eddie shakes his head, not sure how to phrase his doubts.

“What don’t you want them to assume? Because I know you’d never be scared of people wrongly assuming you’re queer, Eds, so what’s really going on here?”

“I am,” Eddie says without thinking.

“Oh.” Buck sighs, a little taken aback. Eddie’s never made any comment before about how people perceive him, so that’s new. “Makes sense though, goes with the macho men education you got.”

“What?”

“I mean, masculinity is drenched in so much bullshit that people thinking you’re qu-”

“No, that’s not--” Eddie waves his hand to stop him, “Buck I’m saying--” he sighs. Damn this is not what he expected from this day, at all. “I’m not saying I’m scared of what I look like, I’m saying that _I am_ queer.” Buck’s eyes widen and Eddie wonders if he should’ve kept that to himself, but he’s so tired from all the things he’s not saying, and this one’s probably the least harmful of all. 

“Oh. Okay. If you need to hear it, you know that’s not an issue for me? Or for anyone on the team?”

Eddie nods and tries to smile. Knowing that Buck would be cool with that is one thing, hearing his best friend actually say the words is another, and one he needed, if he’s being honest.

He wishes he could be more honest, about how scared he is that the team's assumptions are gonna make it harder for him to keep his feelings to himself. That they’ve just reopened a box he’s tried very hard to close for months, since he realized the way his heart was beating for Buck was not one of a platonic, strictly friendly kind. 

It was easier for him to ignore his feelings for his best friend when everyone just assumed he was straight. He could see himself through their eyes and enjoy his and Buck friendship for what it was. For what it is, if this doesn't mess it all up. 

He wishes he could take that chance Hen was talking about but he knows it doesn’t apply to him. It’s great advice when you’re in high school and if it goes wrong you can avoid your crush until you leave for college, but it’s definitely not great when you have to work 48 hour shifts alongside said crush.

“I just don’t want to make things awkward between us,” he manages to shrug, hoping it’ll be enough to make his voice sound casual, only admitting to himself that he doesn’t want to lose Buck over some stupid unrequited feelings.

“Because you don’t want our relationship to change?” Buck asks. If the team has noticed his feelings then Eddie must’ve too, and he’s trying to let him down gently. Eddie nods, and at least Buck has his answer now, even if it sucks.

Luckily for them the alarm blasts and they drop everything, doubts and disappointment included, to join the team in the firetruck and onto their first call.

They don’t talk about it again, hoping with time they can both get over the hurt in their chest, ignoring the strange and sad looks they get from the team here and there, until their shift ends and Valentine’s Day comes.

-

Spending the evening of Valentine’s Day at the gym is the only way Buck can quiet his brain and hope to shut down the impression that he’s the only idiot in town who's single on this day, who’s never gonna find love since he’s never gonna be able to get over Eddie. Even when he now knows for sure that Eddie doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, his heart is still longing like there’s hope, and it’s annoying.

When he gets out, he has 4 missed calls and 2 texts from Eddie.

Received at 6:30pm.

“Hey wanna grab dinner tonight?” Eddie starts the first message with a chirpy voice. “Wait no that’s the dumbe--” The message ends mid sentence and Buck goes on to the next one. It’s nice to hear his friend’s voice though.

Received at 6:37pm.

“Hey I didn’t realize you’re probably out with someone tonight. It’d make sense. Sorry, didn’t want to bother you, have a great night.” The voice is less chirpy despite a clear attempt to sound casual.

Received at 8:54pm.

“I really hope you find the person who likes you like you like them, because you really deserve it you know. I just wish--” There’s a long pause and Buck can hear Eddie sigh multiple times. “Nevermind. Have a great night man. Oh I said that already. It’s Eddie by the way.” Buck first smiles at Eddie’s apparent confusion but the sadness in his voice is palpable and maybe Buck should be worried about that. He gets to the last message.

Received at 10:02pm.

“I should’ve told y--” Buck hears a sob or maybe a sniff, and Eddie’s voice is blurry. Buck knows that voice, it’s his friend’s drunk voice. It hasn’t happened often, but Buck remembers the tone and twirls in Eddie’s words, how his tongue felt heavy searching for the right words. “No I shouldn’t have, ‘ts better like this it’s was so very stupid. I’m stupid.” 

Buck gets to his car and opens the texts, wondering what other nonsense he’s gonna find there. The first one is just a link to a song, nothing else. 

_ James Arthur & Ella Henderson – Let's Go Home Together (Lyrics) _

Buck clicks on the link, headphones on, and goes to read the next message.

_I don’’ likebyou I love u_

His breath gets caught in his throat, eyes locked on the screen, the lyrics slowly flooding his ears.

_I'm a little bit drunk_

_Feels like I know you so well_

_You could be everything that I've been missing_

He skips back to the beginning of the song, this time paying attention to every word, wondering how drunk Eddie must’ve been to send it to him. Wondering if he means it.

_Let’s go home together_ , the song says. 

_‘I love u’_ the text says.

Buck’s heartbeats are dancing happily as he rereads the words but his head is trying to stay calm. Eddie’s drunk, he doesn’t mean all that. Or he doesn’t mean it for Buck. He made it clear during their talk outside the station that he doesn’t like him like that. He doesn’t want their friendship to change. Maybe it's a very platonic declaration of love. Of brotherhood.

Still, a part of Buck wonders if there could be some truth hidden in all those messages.

He tries to call Eddie back but ends up on voicemail directly and the wonder turns into worry. It’s not in Eddie’s habit to drink that much or to shut down his phone so Buck does the only thing he can, he drives directly to the Diaz house to make sure his friend is okay.

_His friend who may or may not be in love with him._

There’s a light in the living room when Buck gets in using the spare key Eddie gave him a while back. He comes in quietly, though he knows Eddie wouldn’t drink with Christopher in the house, and he doesn’t have to look very far to find Eddie, laying face down on the couch, empty glass and empty bottles on the coffee table next to his phone. The battery’s dead, which explain why Buck couldn’t reach him. That and the fact that Eddie’s snoring and reeking of alcohol. Buck wonders if he should wake him up to help him to bed, or just leave him there while he takes the guest bed. Either way he’s not leaving him alone tonight.

“What are we gonna do with you, bud?” Buck says to the silent room, crouching down to rest a hand on Eddie’s cheek, who hums softly surprising Buck. “Not asleep yet, uh?”

Eddie sighs. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

Buck chuckles. “S’okay, but we should move you to your bed or tomorrow your back’s gonna hurt like hell, on top of the hangover.”

Eddie giggles, leaning towards Buck. “On top. No, you top first.”

Buck whines, pushing back the want that Eddie’s words ignite in his gut. Now he knows that Eddie was clearly too drunk to mean any of his messages but his body still feels drawn to the man, longing. 

“You’re so gonna regret everything in the morning Eds, and I’m gonna have blackmail material for days.” 

“Pretty,” Eddie blurts out, his fingers going for Buck’s mouth, brushing, pressing over his lips and trying to push through, and for one hot second Buck lets him, sucking in Eddie’s fingers because that’s all he wants, all he’s wanted for way too long, but it’s not right, he can’t do that no matter what. Eddie’s way too drunk to actively control his actions so Buck grabs the man’s wrist and pulls away.

“You need to sleep.” He ignores Eddie’s protest as he helps him up and towards the bedroom, not paying attention to Eddie’s repeated pleas to join him in bed and what it does to his guts, and drops him under the blanket. “I’ll be in the guest room, call me if you need anything,” he says, running his hand through Eddie’s hair, but the man is already asleep and Buck thinks it’s probably for the best. He brings him a bottle of water and puts his phone to charge before settling in the guest room.

Somehow, even with all the emotions of the evening and all the questions spiraling through his head, Buck manages to fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillows.

-

Eddie wakes up to an empty bed that’s not quite his and it takes him a minute to recognize the guest room. He has no recollection of why he’s here though, since he’s been alone in the house since the past night. Come to think of it, he has no recollection of the entire past night either, but his head hurts and his mouth tastes like garbage so his best guess is too much alcohol. 

He drags himself to the bathroom where the hot water of the shower starts easing his back and soothing the hurt in his body, before putting on the softest clean sweatpants he can find. He’s not sure why but he knows he needs comfort to face that day.

The answer comes as soon as he gets to the living room, where Buck is talking with Chris as the kid finishes his breakfast.

“Daddy!” Chris smiles and rushes to get a hug and his good morning kiss, but Buck’s smile is so small he could’ve missed it.

“Good morning kiddo, did you sleep well?” Eddie puts on his best happy dad face, purposely ignoring the million daggers in his stomach ready to unfold the list of everything that possibly went wrong since the past day. Drinking while Chris was home being numbers one to ten on the list.

Chris nods and starts talking about what he’s gonna do that day at school, while Buck prepares a plate for Eddie to eat. 

“I’ll take him to school,” Buck says, putting the plate in front of Eddie, “and we can talk when I get back.” 

There’s no question in his voice, no _if that’s okay with you_ , like he usually adds, and Eddie knows it’s gonna be bad when Buck comes back so right now, he focuses on his son’s bubbly talk, moving the food around in his plate but unable to eat anything.

-

Eddie doesn’t move an inch after Buck leaves, body frozen and mind overwhelmed by what he needs to face. The voice in his head is stuck on a loop of _I fucked up I fucked up I fu_ \- 

He’s never fucked up so bad. He knew he was never gonna be father of the year, not with the way he abandoned his wife and son to their own demise, but he may have just hit a new low.

_Just one drink_. He remembers his hand on the bottle and back then the voice in his head said _oh what the hell_. He wanted to believe that maybe one drink would be enough to drown the sadness, even for a little while. 

_Like that would even be a possibility_ , Buck had said. Of course Buck didn’t like him that way, Buck’s heart would never beat faster when Eddie enters a room, he doesn’t miss Eddie every minute they’re apart. Eddie didn’t like Buck, he loved him and he felt so stupid with his unrequited feelings that at the time, alcohol seemed like his best option to send those words into oblivion. He didn’t notice how one drink turned into three, before thinking _why not finish that damn bottle while you’re at it_.

Eddie knows he’s gonna have to face the consequences of his actions, so when Buck comes back he closes his eyes and waits for the lecture. For the yelling and the blame that he deserves so much. He needs Buck to be angry at him so they can both finally agree what a terrible person Eddie is, and break that pedestal everyone seems to have put him on. But he’s only met with silence and the shifting of a chair on the floor. He opens his eyes again and Buck’s sitting beside him and Eddie can’t read the expression on his face.

“You wanna know the worst part?” Buck says, without preamble, without needing to remind Eddie of how bad he fucked up and Eddie’s not sure it’s a good thing. “I didn’t even check his room. I just thought _hey Eddie would never get drunk if Chris were here, he just wouldn’t_. So I didn’t check. It would’ve taken me one minute and I didn’t. We got lucky nothing happened before I got here.”

Eddie clears his throat but his voice still comes out hoarse. “Buck you can’t blame yourself for my mistakes, that’s not how it works. I put my kid in danger all by myself and you can’t make me feel better about that either.”

Buck snorts. “Oh I’m not trying to make you feel better Eddie, trust me. You fucked up, that’s a fact. I’m just saying we _both_ failed, that’s all.”

Eddie rubs his hands on his face one more time, before looking up at Buck. “Why were you here anyway? And when, when did you get here?”

Buck frowns. “You don’t remember?”

“I know I had a shitty evening. I waited for Chris t-- I put Chris to bed and opened a bottle of something, thinking I’ll just have one glass, to make the bad mood go away. Then it’s all a blur until I woke up in the guest room. I don’t know why I slept there, and I didn’t even remember Chris was there until I saw him with you.”

“He slept through the night, has no idea what you--” Buck waves at nothing. Christopher woke up smiling and Buck was already awake and preparing breakfast when the kid left his room.

Eddie nods. That’s at least one good thing. “So you said you should’ve checked his room, when was that? This morning?”

Buck shakes his head. “Last night. You, uh you left a message and you were clearly drunk, and wouldn’t pick up your phone so I just figured I’d come check on you. Found you passed out on the couch.”

“So you what? Took me to the guest room?” Eddie furrows his brows, searching for a logical explanation and the missing pieces of the night in the mess of his memories.

Buck stares at his own hands on the table, taking a breath before adding to the story. “I helped you to your room and took the guest bed, but-- somehow during the night I guess you woke up long enough to join me there.” He shrugs, going for a casual tone but his fingers tapping rapidly against the wood of the table betray his nervousness. “I was way too tired to move, so.”

“Shit.” Eddie hides his face in his hands. He can’t believe he did that to Buck. “I’m sorry, I’m-- I never meant to--” He didn’t mean to, but he sure dreamed about sharing a bed with Buck for so long, his drunk and sleepy self just decided to act on it in the worst possible way.

“I don’t think you were aware of what you were doing, to be fair. I should have left to take the couch at that moment but it felt--” Buck sighs. “The truth is I was weak, and I wanted to believe what you said in your text, and really I just felt good in your arms, that’s it.”

Buck lifts his head, holding Eddie’s gaze, trying to own his actions, his own mistakes, with the hope that laying everything out in the open can be the first step to turn this whole mess into something valuable. “You do remember the messages, Eddie?”

Eddie shakes his head no, and stands up to grab his phone but Buck pushes his own into his hands.

“Try the voicemails first.”

Eddie listens quietly at first, shaking his head at the stupidity of his own words, then rubs a hand over his eyes, pressing his lips together trying not to curse.

“Texts too,” Buck says with a grin Eddie can’t see, trying not to feel bad about enjoying a bit too much Eddie’s embarrassment. With the roller coaster of emotions thrown at him since he eavesdropped on May and Hen’s conversation, he feels like he deserves to glee at least a bit at the man’s expense for putting him through all this.

Eddie taps on the phone to read and Buck can see his face fall as he pieces together the last pieces of the puzzle. Before Eddie can move away Buck’s hand is holding his. “Did you mean that?” he asks. 

Eddie’s too tired to come up with an excuse, too disappointed in himself to add _lying to his best friend_ to the list of things he fucked up in the last 48 hours so he makes a choice and hopes Buck will still be there when he’s done.

“Yes,” he says. It’s a small yes, almost a whisper, loaded with months of fear of being rejected, but Buck hears it loud and clear.

He intertwines their fingers together and Eddie’s head jolts up. Buck is smiling at him and it’s the first genuine smile Eddie’s seen since he woke up. Buck shifts in his chair to get closer to Eddie, close enough to lean in slowly, gazing at his lips, making sure the man understands his intentions. He brushes his nose against Eddie’s before tilting his head to press his lips against Eddie’s mouth. It’s soft and over in a second; it’s a first step and an invitation for more but only if Eddie wants it, so Buck pulls away and waits for Eddie to decide.

“You’re not mad?” Eddie frowns. Buck kissing him should be a clue, but… but Eddie needs to hear it, to be sure, after all the doubts.

Buck shakes his head no. “I’m in love,” he says, smiling and kissing Eddie again, taking his time to explore, lips, and tongue, feeling his heart beat a little faster when Eddie moves to sit on his lap, feeling anchored under the weight of the man he loves.

“I was so scared of losing you,” Eddie says, holding Buck as tight as he can. “I never want to feel like that again.”

“You won’t.”

“You can’t promise that, you can’t know for su--”

Buck smiles, resting his hand on Eddie’s cheek. “I can, and I am, Eddie. I’m not going anywhere, not today, not ever. Even if you mess up sometimes. Even if _I_ mess up. Do you trust me?”

Eddie trusts Buck more than anyone but maybe he just needed to hear the words and let them fill his heart to truly believe that he gets to have Buck in his life, as his friend, as his lover, as his partner in every possible way.

“I do,” he says, as they both wonder what they did to deserve that much happiness, hoping it’ll never end, promising to cherish it, whatever comes their way.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> You can reblog this story from tumblr [here.](https://theladyandthewolves.tumblr.com/post/190825714218/even-when-i-mess-it-up-there-you-are)  
> Like always, I cherish every kudos, emoji and comment ♥


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